This is going to be my journal, my story, while I make the journey through weight loss surgery, and out the other side. But first, I would like to invite you into my heart, and my head, so you can know where I am at, right at this moment. Together we will take this journey. Together we will witness the changes that are going to be happening with me. Both physically, and hopefully psychologically and spiritually.
Although I can't promise that I will write daily, I will attempt to write often about my thoughts and feelings as I walk down the road from here to the new me that waits on the other end. I will also post pictures as often as I can, I will have some before pictures up fairly soon, and then as I take off weight I will post pictures regularly. It is my hope to be able to write at least once a week and accompany that with a series of photos (after surgery) so every one of my friends and family members who don't live near me can walk along side me.
The last few days have been difficult to get through. Trying to figure out how to cope with still waiting to meet my surgeon, after working on this already so long. It's been 20 months already since my referral first went in and I had hoped to have had my surgery by now. The way things sit at the moment, I will meet my surgeon on May 11, and it could be as early as 3 weeks after that that I go down for surgery. I am guessing I will be on the Optifast for 3 weeks, considering how close to 300lbs I am. I am at the heaviest I've ever been, sitting at 288lbs.
A lot of the reasons for my weight gain are related to medication I've needed to take in the past for bipolar, however I can't put all the blame on that. I do love my sugary sweets, and pray that I become totally intolerant to anything sugary or fatty. Now, I don't look forward to the results of that if I do become intolerant, but I also know that will strengthen my resolve to stay away from them. As I get closer to the end of this pre-op period of my life, I am also getting nervous. Can I actually do this, or will I be like another family member who had her stomach stapled back in the 80's and desperately failed to take off the amount of weight she wanted to lose.
I don't want to fail. I am ready and willing to follow all the rules. I am anxiously awaiting the time when I will be able to work out to my favorite aerobic guide from the 80's (I found full length workout videos of his on YouTube!). I am looking forward to once again being able to run (I loved running back before I got pregnant the first time and then lazy). I desperately want to see the woman in my head make a reappearance in my mirror.
Over the last 20 months I have done a lot of reading. I have researched and read everything I could get in front of me about the type of surgery I am going to be having. There is a very clear understanding in my head what this is going to entail, and that this is a lifetime decision. I am cool with that. I have been compiling recipes and nutritional guides to help me through the diet end of things. When I say diet, I don't mean it in the sense of "I'm going on a diet". I mean that my diet will drastically change, for the better, and it is going to be a lifestyle and a lifelong commitment to making my life better.
As many know, 11 months ago (April 29, 2011) I ended up in hospital with an infection in my foot. An infection that was never fully diagnosed. I ended up staying in hospital for 2 weeks, taking morphine for the pain, and finally having a skin graft on my foot to repair the damage that the infection caused. During that time, I was able to reflect on my life, and make some decisions to change it. The first change to take place was getting back on my feet, which took the majority of the spring and summer. The beginning of September, I started school, finally going back to high school after all these years. I didn't want to take the easy way out and go for my GED, I wanted to make up for the fact that I wasn't determined enough to do it in my teens, or other times that I tried to get it done. I only needed 8 credits to graduate after all, so it would take one school year of my life. I am halfway through the second semester of that incredible life affirming process, and will graduate in June, with my high school diploma, FINALLY! It is my hope that I will be able to go to college in September, but currently the program I want to get into is wait listed at my local college, so I have also applied for the January entry into the program. Either way, I will be going to college, and finally following the dream of getting into the medical field. I am too old now to put 8 years in to become a doctor, so I am settling for 2 years and becoming a Practical Nurse. Perhaps while I work after I graduate from that program, I will go to university and work my way up to becoming a Nurse Practitioner, which is almost as good as being a doctor. Ultimately the dream of my education, whether I move on to university or not, will have me working in 3 years, and able to buy my own home in 5.
My dream of becoming a nurse will only be possible with following through with weight loss surgery. So I am going to ask each and every one of you, my friends, my family, to keep me accountable. If you notice that I haven't posted an update in a given week, ask me for it. Pick up the phone and call me, or send me a message on my phone, something, anything to prompt me to update you on how I am doing.
If you have taken the time to get to the end of this lengthy first entry, then I know you are a true friend (family members can be friends too) and you care about me. For that, I thank you, as this was the first step on a long and sometimes bumpy road, to discover the new me. I love you all!
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